Unsent message 1

How can you just be done like this after all of these years? How is it so easy for you to leave me to wallow in my tears 

Losing you has always been one of my worst fears and now it's here I lived you breathed you fought for you defended you I was there for you 

Didn't I deserve a conversation a chance to make you happy 

 I couldn't even get a call saying hey it's over 

Five years most of which I spent building  you up see I was strong for both of us 

When all of my strength was drained you left me there in my weakness to share the strength I gave to you with other women 

The smile and laugh that once adorned my face and escaped my lips were yours and you were giving it to someone else 

When they drain you you'll go looking for that same laugh and smile again but you won't find it in them 

You'll try to get her to do the things I used to do 

Without realizing it you'll be looking for me 

The girl who turned into a woman and still loved you unconditionally 

But I won't be there 

Unrequited love poem

Unrequited love poem 

To love you is glorious 

To feel you and your spirit gives me life

Why do you deny yourself a beautiful experience?

What makes you fearful?

Don't you know I would never hurt you? 

Don't you believe in what I'm saying to you? 

To love you is painful

To know you don't feel the same cuts into my heart like a thousand knives

Why do you ignore my actions? 

Proving to you over and over again that my love is real. 

What makes you so heartless? 

Don't you know I could warm the cold places of your heart with my love? 

Don't you believe in what I'm showing to you? 

To love you is confusing 

To know you don't love me back is frustrating 

What did I do to make you throw my love in the trash like a dirty diaper? 

Why did you give up on trying to love me back? 

Don't you know I could love you forever? 

Don't you feel what I'm feeling? 

Foreclosure

Foreclosure

I knew this was coming 

There was nothing I could do to keep what I held so dear

After countless family arguments I grew silent

Not wanting to step on any toes or ruffle any feathers

It hit me like a strike of lightening 

The place I grew up was snatched from under me

The guilt came in like a flood

The shame overwhelmed me

Maybe if I would have stayed we would still have it.

I smile politely when asked about 5742 

No one knew of the times I sat outside of the abandoned house drowning in my tears

The times where I would just sit on the steps and remember all of the memories

Family gatherings, My first kiss, my dad meeting my first real boyfriend and so much more

I still drive by the street that I lived on for so many years

Missing the freedom to go in my beloved home

Missing all of the memories I held so dear

Sometimes I take that  street just to get a glimpse of what used to be 

Although I know it will never be the same 

Refreshed

Refreshed 

As I descended into the air I knew my life would be forever changed 

I was in bondage

Locked down from the baggage of my past 

Bound by insecurities I let people place over me

I cried like a baby who is being separated from her bottle 

I was being prepared for the big girl cup God had made just for me

Daddy knew it was time 

and just like a parent does when there is nothing they can do they seek to comfort their child

So I took a sip of this cup and although I craved the bottle I continued to drink from this cup.

See I did not realize I was dehydrated and was in need of water 

The refreshing came when I finally let the bottle go and drank this cup of newness

The things that once scared me 

I embrace and welcome

When I return I will be a big girl with a new perspective

Refreshed and free from everything I thought I knew before

Restless

Im restless 

Restless from the thought of what could have been 

Tossing and turning this sleep won't win

The heartache it drives me and wakes me 

Everyday at 4am lately 

I awaken from dreams of your face in a place where I can still feel your embrace 

Dreaming of a world where this separation did not have to take place 

I lay restless in denial of what is actually true  

The love I held so dearly is now the love that I knew 

You

It's like you made a deal with the devil to beak my heart

He came to you and said I'll give you all you want just tear it apart 

Nah you had to be from God 

Because you were heaven sent I loved you  through every sin 

You did so much wrong but my love for you crippled the sight in my eyes so I was blind to all of that 

I was open 

You slid a taboggen down the wall of my brain into the core of my heart and broke it into a million pieces

 I mean shredded that ish like you were about to be charged for fraud 

You should be arrested for stealing the wealth of my soul 

Hey boo! 

Where are you now?

On an island somewhere with all of the joy you stole soaking in all of the peace I gave to you while you were down and out

Basking in the sun of the unreturned love that I adorned upon you for years 

Did you go to school for this?

Was your class heartbreak 101 

You must have received at least a masters in this because my Gosh you did it with precision 

Researching new ways to shred what was left of my poor little tink tink of a heart 

You used me as a method, analysis and then went to boast about the results and conclusions to all that would listen

You gain power in that feeling of completion. Knowing that you developed a way to break this broken women even more than she had already been.

Joy in The Process

Learning to take joy in the process. I know it will get better with time. As the days go by I realize the importance of this call. I am submitting my will to God's and believing in the gift that he gave me. This experience is very challenging but I know it about more than me and how I feel! I have days where I doubt myself but I know God placed me here for a reason. Knowing that he won't put more on me than I can bear I press and push toward greatness in all areas in my life. In my weakness and lack of knowledge he is giving me strength. Thank you for showing me my destiny!! If you are struggling in something like me take joy in your process. Live everyday on purpose and walk in your favor!