Joy in The Process

Learning to take joy in the process. I know it will get better with time. As the days go by I realize the importance of this call. I am submitting my will to God's and believing in the gift that he gave me. This experience is very challenging but I know it about more than me and how I feel! I have days where I doubt myself but I know God placed me here for a reason. Knowing that he won't put more on me than I can bear I press and push toward greatness in all areas in my life. In my weakness and lack of knowledge he is giving me strength. Thank you for showing me my destiny!! If you are struggling in something like me take joy in your process. Live everyday on purpose and walk in your favor!

The issue of weight

Last night I admitted to my little sister that I was insecure about my weight. Not only do I feel unhealthy but I feel like there is something wrong with me because of my size. This came from being called fat a lot. I'm sure they felt like they were helping but they didn't know it did the total opposite. Every time I was called fat or was told that I wouldn't be able to do something because of my size they took a piece of my self confidence.

I began to give into those feelings by taking pills to boost my weight loss. I thought this would make my boyfriend be more attracted to me because in my mind I thought how could he like all of these rolls? I thought he's just saying he liked my size because he didn't want to hurt my feelings. No matter how much he loved on me and said nice things about my figure I did not believe it because I heard so much of the opposite. I was told that if I didn't lose weight I wouldn't be able to keep a man and that he would cheat on me with someone smaller.

My sister shaped the total opposite of me confided in me saying that she felt unhealthy and not pretty because she was so small. She wanted more meat on her bones! She attributed her size to the reason why she was cheated on in the past and thought that she would never be with anyone because she is too small. She thought that all of her guy problems would go away if she could a booty or bigger thighs.

When my sister and I confided in each other I thought about the fact that no matter what you do someone will judge you. Exercise and healthy eating are necessary for all people to be healthy but does that mean they have to be a certain size to do it? My answer is no!

If a man is going to cheat that is not your fault!! I hear women say this often "if your man cheated on you that means it was something you didn't do" that may be true but if your man was "man enough" he would have made it work with you and if that did not work he would have left.

You deserve a man that is faithful and is willing to work out your issues with you. It is never okay to cheat or to let someone cheat on you! The issue of weight has been something I battled since I was younger. I learned that my weight isn't your issue and it's not my issue it's Gods gift because we were all beautifully and fearfully made!!

The Gift

I handed you this gift
With no expectation of a return
You said that you would cherish it forever and I believed you
I thought you had my best interest at heart
I was told so many times that this was not right
But young and naive I had to learn on my own
I was so preoccupied with the appearance of you that I overlooked the obvious signs
You said everything perfect
You made me feel special
Like I was the only one you treated this way
God was I stupid for that
The whole time you were targeting me
See you knew my story
You knew what I liked and disliked
You knew how to give me goosebumps
Before I knew it you stole everything I had
My peace
my joy
My dreams and aspirations
My heart
And you trampled on them
You dropped them down so they could break because that's what you do right?
I should have know that it was to good to be true
I should have seen your horns under that fitted cap
I should have seen your tail through those pants that sagged just enough to intrigue me
I was entranced by the devil himself
When I thought it was over and I lost grace swept in and mercy followed
They picked me up and handed me back everything I lost they are still helping me piece them back together
I don't even know why you thought you'd won!
Do you know who my father is?
Do you know that he only allowed you to come so that I could be stronger
The one you left for dead and broken apart
now is whole and alive
And the gift of me will never be given again be that easily given away

Confidence, My Love

Somewhere along the way we fell off
We were the best of friends we hung out everyday! We had long conversations and shared our deepest darkest secrets
We made fun of anyone who said that we were anything other than the best
You helped me feel like a queen
You said only good things about me
You told me I was pure, holy, beautiful And capable of accomplishing anything I wanted to
You held me so tight that I just knew you were in love with me
I knew I was I love with you too
A night I clung to you and saw you in my dreams
You were always on my mind
The words you said etched In my heart
Then people got in the way
They distracted me and made me think you were wrong
All of the things you said started to disappear
Blinded by their words of separation
The notions they conceived
I really started to believe them
Beautiful turned into ugly
Capable turned into not good enough
And I believed every word of it from them
I longed for you searched for you but you left me
The darkness consumed my thoughts
I saw gloom in my dreams
I'm still looking for you
Waiting for you
Running towards you
I know your getting closer
I know we'll be one again
And on that day I'll have back
My best friend
My love
My confidence